It was a beautiful day in every sense of the word

An afternoon boat cruise through calm waters; the weather and views were picture perfect, forever cherished in my mind. 

Greater than all of that though, is the memories I have of my family… together. If I close my eyes, I can still vividly see each one sitting side by side; their enthusiasm and excitement for life ahead was beyond measure.

We finished the afternoon by gathering and taking a family portrait together in front of the ship.

A large anchor was left in frame, almost as if it was an additional member of our family. Interestingly, I can be seen holding on to it in the photo… completely unaware of the devastating storm that was forming on the horizon. 

It was evening the next day, when the phone rang; setting off a chain of events that would change our course forever. 

‘There’s been an accident’

The lengthy drive to the hospital was silent, while the dreadful anticipation within was deafening.

Upon our arrival, we were faced with a terrible tragedy… 

Our son, had been swept away and lost at sea by way of a drunk driver; like a rogue wave, swerving off the road and crashing into the entire family who were out for a walk.

And though our daughter and newborn granddaughter were pulled to safety from the same dark waters that took their captain, they now lay inside the emergency room; bloody, bruised and unaware of the details we just learned outside. 

Unlike the vivid and joyous memories from the boat cruise one day earlier, I now kneeled at our daughter’s side, watching the tears stream down her face as I delivered the crushing news; enthusiasm, excitement and joy abandoned on the ocean floor. 

I left the hospital that night feeling angry, hurt, and without hope; how could so much be taken from us in the blink of an eye? What did we do, or not do to deserve this? 

The weeks and months that followed can be likened to the devastating aftermath of a terrible storm. Our family, split apart and dispersed like debris after a shipwreck; left to try and stay afloat.

However, we were taking on water at alarming rates and barely able to keep our heads above water; hope seemingly out of reach.

It was during this period that I was struck by the image of the anchor. Somehow in the worst storm imaginable, I felt… Security. 

Not comfortable. Not untroubled. Not without anger. Secure. 

It definitely wasn’t through my own doing, or that of anyone else; it was strictly the underlying knowledge that Christ, my Anchor, was holding me.

This image remained front of mind as we navigated smaller, but equally difficult remnant storms including the physical recovery, funeral, and court proceedings. All powerful enough to take us out, and yet I somehow remained steady at the helm for my family; confident that deep down below the tidal waves, my heart was tied to the only true place of true strength. 

Perhaps the greatest of tests throughout has been the grieving process, which slowly and uniquely wears down the strongest of sailors one day at a time. 

Regardless of how far we have come, we face the harsh reality that this is just the beginning; that life will forever be different and the pain will, to some level, continue for a lifetime. There is a hole in our family, and it is a daily battle to keep resentment and sadness from sinking us.

Only those who have navigated these deep and heavy waters can truly understand. Though time may heal, it also hurts; and while closure may be necessary, it takes us further from that which was lost. 

My heart remains stuck in the moments of that weekend; not wanting or knowing how to let go. I want to be back on the afternoon cruise sailing together; instead we are forced to sail on.  

The burden and hurt is heavy, and yet in 1 Peter 5:7, we are invited to ‘cast our burdens on Him’, because ‘He cares’ for us.

I have learned that our weights of sadness and despair, are only relieved in the arms of the Anchor; whose capacity increases through our reliance. He uses the storms of life to strengthen our trust in His care and provision; tightening the knot time and time again. Through Him alone, can peaceful waters and fullness of life be found again. 

Of course, the journey ahead will have many more unexpected turns; none of which we will ever be fully prepared for. But, we sail on, Anchor aboard.

Knowing that while we may not understand God’s ways, we can trust His ways. 

At times, calming the seas below

At times, letting them rage around

Forever, securing our hearts within